


I'm Sorry

by Revelin



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Post-Battle of Starkiller Base, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 09:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12340422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Revelin/pseuds/Revelin
Summary: Hux was unaware of Kylo's pregnancy until it was too late.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> Mpreg and miscarriage is not something I normally read, let alone write, but the KRB discord chat inspires me to do lots of weird stuff. This was written in a few hours before the early morning, not proofread, not beta'd, and I'm awful at writing in a consistent tense. 100% of the blame goes to Omega Hux and Dargason. I can't believe THIS is my first published fic. I'm so sorry. ;_;

Medics swirl in and out of Kylo’s view. They walk on eggshells, expecting their dramatic commander to snap out of his stupor and start force choking them any moment now. But Kylo can’t bring himself to willingly pull himself out of his fatigued state. In a manner of hours he’d been through an entire spectrum of emotions. Time had slowed and sped around him. His memories of his father, the fight, the rescue, Hux, were jumbled and he didn’t have the energy left to sort them and their corresponding feelings out now. Kylo only had the whereabouts him now to hold onto one bright, stray, hope. 

Maybe she’s okay. 

His robes may have been thick enough to absorb some extra shock. Perhaps she was strong enough to survive the bowcaster blow. The bolt struck him mostly in the fleshy part of his side. 

An image flashes in his mind of too much blood pouring onto too white snow. 

-

Hux was a master of compartmentalizing. Even while pulling his half dead, on again off again partner from the crumbling rock of his short-lived, greatest achievement, he hadn’t flinched. Now, sitting alone outside the exam rooms of the medical sector, it took every bit of concentration he had left to keep his hands from trembling. It was an abnormally long amount of time before a doctor came out to update him. 

“General, sir, I think perhaps you should sit down a moment-” 

“All that I require to know is if he is alive.” Just enough news to pass on to Supreme Leader without having to look at Ren’s face, not yet, is what Hux did not elaborate aloud. 

“Yes, General, of course. Commander Ren is alive and should be able to walk out of here in a few days time. However-” 

“Thank you. You may return to your duties then.” 

“General, please,” the doctor has enough sense to know when to let the General be, however, there’s a steel glint of determination in his eyes. “While examining Ren we have come encountered a situation that is pertinent to yourself.” 

“To me?” 

“Yes, sir. May I suggest again that we take a seat?” 

Hux does not even have the patience left for a verbal response. He just glares the man down until it is clear that he will not be sitting so will you please get on with just telling me. 

“Sir, I am so sorry to have to tell you that the baby did not survive.” 

“...Baby?” 

There’s a ringing in Hux’s ears drowning out whatever the doctor is explaining to him. He’s trying to recall dates and do the math. There’s no way… He and Kylo haven’t been amicable in months. Kylo would have to be - would have to have been at least three months along, maybe four. How would he not notice Kylo growing, his smell changing, over a matter of months? Why wouldn’t Kylo have told him? 

“-not sure if his body will ever be able to sustain another-” The doctor is stunned as the general shoves him aside mid-sentence and storms into the exam room. 

“Ren!” 

-

Kylo looks up from the white sheet wrapped around his bottom half. His eyes are dull and the staff left him alone minutes ago, happy to be far from what they assumed was a tantrum time bomb. Seeing Hux, red faced, furious, in the doorway makes it harder to fight the lump in his throat. He can see that Hux’s breathing is erratic and despite screaming his way into the room, Hux appears unable to form any more words. 

“They told you,” he manages to get out, shakily.

Hux still doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything. Kylo reaches out lightly with the force, but the general is mostly a mass of anger and Kylo flinches back, afraid to look closer. 

After tense moments, Hux breathes out quietly, “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t think you wanted - and we haven’t.. in months, I thought you were - we were,” Kylo can’t finish a single thought. His words only come out faster and faster and with them a few tears start to escape. 

“Enough.” Kylo can see Hux pulling himself back together layer by layer. He runs gloved hands over his hair, across his uniform, tugs at the bottom, and then clasps them behind his back. He turns, ready to leave, and Kylo wants desperately for him not to go. 

“I’m sorry.” 

It’s enough to make Hux pause in the doorway. 

“You’re sorry?” He doesn’t even turn back to look at Kylo. A second later, he’s gone. 

Kylo waits until he’s fairly sure Hux is out of hearing range before he lets out a guttural scream. The overhead lights shatter and in the dark Kylo fists his hands in the sheets, pulls his knees up to his chest and sobs, loud and ugly, to himself. 

\- 

Muscle memory carries Hux to his quarters. His mind is all at once blank and overwhelmed with thoughts. It feels like he’s trying to carry water in a colander. If anyone tries to stop him on his way, he doesn’t notice. He just needs to get back to the safety of his room. 

The door slides shut behind him and he stands in the middle of his room. Ren, that idiot, how could he..? Hux tries to untangle the mess of thoughts in his brain, but he’s failing. Frustrated, angry, confused, hurt, lost, he does the most un-Hux-like thing he can think of. 

One of his whiskey glasses shatters spectacularly against the wall. It’s the kind of behavior he’s mocked Ren for a hundred times, but damn if it doesn’t feel good on some level. 

“You idiot! You kriffing idiot!” Hux grabs more, whatever’s closest, and continues to fling objects in all directions. 

“Why would you go into battle, knowing what was at risk!” More shattering. Hux doesn’t even care about the wasted liquor soaking into several datapads strewn across the floor. “Why couldn’t you just tell me?” Hux continues to scream the thoughts to himself as they come and for each one another part of his office takes a hit. How could you get pregnant, now of all times? How did you hide it? When were you going to tell me? Were you ever going to tell me? 

By the time he’s attempting to shove his desk across the room, Hux’s muscles are quivering and he’s run out of angry thoughts. Suddenly his mind goes cold and he collapses to his knees, resting his forehead against the cool metal of his desk. Losing Starkiller, Ren’s failure, their child….

It’s my fault, he realizes chillingly. I pushed you away so vehemently this time. You thought you couldn’t talk to me at all. You thought this was something I wouldn’t want. 

Hux doesn’t know when he started crying, but he can’t bring himself to stop now. 

-

Kylo doesn’t know how long he’s been wandering the corridors. The medical staff tried to talk to him out of discharging himself, but he had no problem pushing them out of his way. He thinks he must make quite a sight, limping down the halls, dead-eyed and covered in more bandages than clothing, stinking of bacta and blood, he assumes. He’s actually barely aware of what state he’s in, too lost in his own thoughts, although the massive amount of painkillers he must be on might be contributing to that as well. 

I’ve failed the First Order. I’ve failed Supreme Leader. I’ve failed my knights. I’ve failed the force. 

This negative mantra hasn’t left him since he pulled himself out of his med bay bed. It’s comforting, compared to the thoughts he’s trying to forget. 

I failed Hux. I failed Her. 

He thinks eventually he’ll make it to his own bed, despite his stupor. He wants nothing more to sleep and never wake up. He wants to sleep and feel nothing. 

But when the door slides open, it’s to the sight of Hux sitting on the edge of his bed, shoulders hunched, head down, fists clenching and unclenching at the sheets. 

“Hux?” Kylo’s not even sure he’s awake anymore. Maybe his wounds are infected and this is a vivid fever dream, because this isn’t the Hux he’s used to seeing at all. His hair is mussed and there’s been no attempt to put it back in place. His uniform is wet in odd places and it looks like there are bits of glass clinging to his pants and sleeves. There’s no way Hux would ever look like this in private, let alone walk from his quarters to Ren’s in such a state. 

When Hux lifts his head, his eyes are shockingly red around the edges and his cheeks are still ruddy. Kylo doesn’t know what to do besides sit on the bed next to him. They sit in silence for a few awkward minutes. Kylo thinks this is the nicest they’ve managed to be to each other in weeks and it’s almost pleasant. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Kylo has never heard those words come out of Hux’s mouth. This must be a dream then. 

But then Hux is turning to him and holding his face, gently minding Kylo’s bandages, so they’re eye to eye and Kylo knows those warm, smooth hands too well to keep thinking this is anything besides reality. 

“I’m sorry.” 

When he hears it again, Kylo opens his mouth to start denying it, to start taking the blame, but Hux won’t have it. 

“Stop, please, don’t,” Hux pauses to rest their foreheads together before trying again. “I know you’re blaming yourself for this. I need you to stop. Because at any point I could have stopped being an asshole. I cared more about being right and I lost sight of us. I’ve missed you so much but I didn’t realize until today- kriff..” Hux looks like he’s trying not to lose his composure and Kylo’s too tired, too anxious to hear the rest to do anything but let Hux finish speaking in his own time. 

“None of this,” he gestures vaguely to the universe, “means much without you. I’m an idiot for not seeing that. And for not knowing about..” Kylo can sense that’s a thought Hux isn’t ready to finish right now. 

“I didn’t tell you.” 

Slowly, Hux reaches out and places a hand over Kylo’s midsection. They sit in more silence. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Kylo can tell by Hux’s tone that this sorry is different. He still can’t even begin to digest it and he shakes his head, pulling away from Hux. The tears are back, dreadfully silent, and Kylo can’t control that anymore either. He feels like he’s on the precipice of something big, like he could stand to tell Hux to get out and happily never see him again or cling to him and never let go. 

Finally, he looks up to Hux again, who is in much the same state of mess as he was in when Kylo first walked in. It’s new and terrifying to see him like this: easy to read, afraid, and uncertain. There is something familiar there though, a steadfastness Kylo interprets as I’m here and I’m not going anywhere that has all of Hux’s usual confidence. 

It hurts his severed face when he desperately smashes his lips against Hux’s, but it’s the best thing Kylo’s felt in a long time as Hux holds him again.


End file.
